An Open Letter

It’s day nine after the break up. And today fucking hurt like hell, I emailed her the Minecraft world and told her that I had unfriended her little brother which was the last two loose ends. And she responded thank you with a period and so it’s over. It hurts a lot because I loved her, and a part of me still does. But at the same time I’ve grown and I’ve learned that the relationship was not good for me. It was a constant cycle of scraps of love and hope, and then she would do something bad or hurtful and that would make me feel unsafe and betrayed, and then after I would apologize even though I shouldn’t have, then she would apologize and then give me hope and the love again for a couple days. And that is very addicting to the brain, and I recognize that because I’m having withdrawals. I so desperately wanted to talk with her because it feels like I’m due for my next hit, where she’s going to be kind and she’s going to be loving and sweet, but it’s done and I need to remind myself that.

I think I want to remind myself is that she absolutely loved me, but I don’t think to me I was loved enough. I think if it had been a more proper love, she wouldn’t have done things out of anger that hurt me or broke my trust or betrayed me, and she wouldn’t have consistently crossed boundaries and continued to hurt me very deeply without making any kind of a change. And I’m not saying that she’s a bad person, I think she’s someone who has a lot of growing to do, and also was dealt a bad hand. But at the end of the day those things are her responsibility and not mine. I deserve a relationship where it is reciprocated, my love, the effort that I put in, and the care that I put into my partner’s well-being. I don’t deserve to be in a relationship where the other person is OK with hurting me, consistently and as a pattern. I know that she didn’t mean to manipulate me either, but she consistently did in several different ways and even if it’s out of ignorance, it still is manipulation. And all of the crying and guilt that she felt I appreciate, because it shows that she did not take pride in her actions, but at the same time tears are not enough, and she just continued to hurt me and break my trust over and over again. And so I know that she is not the one for me. And I think it’s a really strange thing for someone who might’ve grown up with love, to understand that this is not something to accept, and that things can be so much better. But to me, I was neglected as a kid and so I didn’t get to experience what love felt like, and so when I get these small scraps to someone else it might feel like being mistreated, but to me this is more than I’ve ever felt before. And it sucks because that made me so much more susceptible to love bombing, and sweet promises. It’s so incredibly cruel and convincing when someone is so starred for this love to tell them consistently how much you matter, and also how you want to be with them in all of these intense different ways. But those things were not true, and I think she also got swept up in this fantasy. I’m again saying all these things not because I blame her, but because it did happen to me and I want to acknowledge that. And I didn’t deserve a lot of the stuff that happened, I didn’t do bad things back, I didn’t retaliate, I didn’t mistreat her, and there were mistakes that I made like going too fast or not setting boundaries earlier, but these were not things that hurt her, but rather were things that should’ve protected me. I think I fall into a trap thinking about if she is hurting or what she is doing, or if she’s going to move on, or if she’s thinking about me, and all these things do not matter. They are ways of keeping me trapped in the past, and that was a lesson that I’ve learned from and it was a person that I got to spend a lot of good memories with. But that person is gone and so is the person that was in that relationship from my sign. I’m right now driving on a route back from the airport that I remember because after almost a month apart I took her back the same path. And I remember how good it felt to finally hear her voice not over a microphone or a speaker, and to feel her legs in my hands. And I also thought a lot about how she was my baby, and how I thought those names were cringe until I got it with her. And I really wanted to protect her and keep her safe, because I really felt like a caretaker to her. I also need to remind myself that there are going to be people out there that would not treat me or do the same things that she did, there will be people out there that will love me without having the additional baggage of emotional work left undone, like self sabotage, or insecurities, or lack of independence. There will be people that have gone through experiences in life, and have properly grown from them the same way that I hoped to. There will be people that will challenge me, that will pridefully show me off and want me to meet their friends, there will be people that will be so incredibly happy and lucky to have me in their lives, and I will feel the same way towards them. There will be people that will actively make me laugh, not just reiterate my jokes or give me opportunities to make myself laugh. There will be people that enjoy learning as much as I do and growth, and I can be competitive with and actually be competitive with. I won’t have to permanently handicap myself around them to make things fair, and the other person won’t feel patronized. I won’t have to worry about someone else’s ego and constantly censor the things that I do. I won’t have to worry about when I’m not with them, because there will be people out there that do not give me reasons to worry especially so early on. There will be people out there that will apologize without me having to beg for it. That was a big thing, I remembered how much I had to beg for certain things. Like I had to ask her to tell me that she didn’t forget about it and that she is sorry. Or that she could try to do something without me having to handhold her or walk her through it to show that she cares. And on top of it she would actually do the things that I would ask her to do. I wouldn’t have to worry about someone who just felt like they did not have the mental capacity to recognize what things needed to be done without instruction. I would want a partner that gets me a thoughtful Christmas gift and a birthday present and something sweet that feels like they understand me or that they care and that they put an effort, rather than me giving them an explicit Christmas list and explicitly same things that they went against or completely ignored. And then afterwards they wouldn’t say something like oh I just didn’t think about it, and that would be a reasonable explanation to me. Like the fact that she crossed my boundaries and immediately again hurt me in those ways and showed me how little I mattered, and her excuse was just the fact that she did not think about it. I deserve to be with someone who has the mental capacity to fucking think about things like that. Because I deserve to take a space in someone’s mind, and if there isn’t enough space to begin with, there’s nothing I can do. When she would give me the space it would feel like it’s suffocates her and gets rid of her as a person, and I fear that maybe that’s just because she did not have enough space to begin with. And I deserve to be with someone who can see me in a much bigger way than what she did. I know that I will never be fully seen, and I know that of course people will not read your mind and fully understand and into it everything that comes to your heart but it shouldn’t be this damn low. There will be someone out there who does not have unresolved baggage. There is nothing wrong with having poor circumstances of birth, and also the ways that we cope with things. But it is your responsibility to deal with that baggage. And that was not something that she had done and that put all of that burden onto me and that crushed me. And I’m right now driving past her school, and where she is. And it hurts, but I also have this desperation and anger that at least lets me advocate for myself enough to not just feel like shit. Because I know that I have the problem from growing up of putting all of my interest all of my feelings and wishes on the back burner, and instead I focused fully on trying to take care of the other person because that’s what I had to do with my mom. And that’s what I also felt like I had to do with her, but I don’t have to do that. And so I’m driving past a lot of memories that I have with her, the constant late nights and the hours of driving I would do just to see her. And I think about all of these sweet memories and I also hold this in mind with the person I share these things with. And even regardless of all of the other bad things, we just were not that compatible in the first place. I think I have very much convince myself how easy it is to love, and I think I almost need to be pickier with who I give that love to. Regardless of if it’s correct or not, my entire life my goal was to be happily married. That was my biggest desire, and it is not right for me to settle for this person. I refuse for something important to just accept the first person that gives me slight scraps, and is in such a drastically different place of overall from me. Like I don’t even know if I mentioned it yet, but I thought earlier about what would happen after she graduated, and she didn’t get any kind of a job, then what? Does she just not pay anything towards rent but lives in this really nice house for free? And on top of it would I then take care of her finances in addition to her parents? And would she continue to waste her money on gifts and small things like snack snacks or food for me when I’m paying for essential things for her. She was not responsible, she is inexperienced in life in a lot of ways, and for me at least my parents stopped micromanaging everything about my life when I entered college. For her her parents still do that, and I’m very grateful that she has a very sweet mom and parents I can financially support her, but at the same time it does hinder her a lot. And that’s not something I want in a partner. I don’t want a partner with these naïve lofty dreams, talking about wanting to buy their own house in their 20s, and getting a nice fancy sports car and customizing it and making it really pretty, and not understanding how certain things in life are absolutely a luxury. Having to reconcile this fantasy world that she has been piggybacked on is something that causes a lot of strife, and it’s something that I don’t want to deal with and I don’t have to. I don’t have to sit and hope that she changes for the better in the immediate big problems, well not even thinking about the fundamental in compatibilities. It hurts a lot, it hurts so much to lose someone that did love you. And it hurts a lot to see how it goes from this cycle of hot and cold to just a permanent cold. But it’s absolutely without a doubt for the best. And I guess I just need to hurt, because I need to let my brain regulate itself and understand that all of his hope and fantasy is gone. And I need to truly feel that in both my brain and my heart. And I think I know that in my brain, but my heart still feels it. And my heart still belongs for her, but it doesn’t even belong for her, as long as for this idealized version of her, as long as for this fantasy that we built together. But there will be someone for sure in the future that will be kind to me, and that will love me, and that will not have all these additional caveat. Absolutely in the future my partner will not be perfect. They are going to have their fair sheriff baggage, as do I. They are going to fuck up, but the difference will be that they can recognize it and take accountability, not just push it off and make it a painful thing to me. They will respect me and they will cherish me, and they will have done similar work to what I’ve done to get to where I am now. And that is the person that I want to raise my future family with. I don’t want the person that I feel like I have to parent, or Coach, or suck up shit from. And I will be able to make so many beautiful memories with those future people, and it might not be the next relationship that’s the one, it might not be the one after that, and I don’t know when it’s gonna be, but I absolutely will be able to make so many even more beautiful memories. Like for fucks sake, one of the happiest memories I have is when I gave her her childhood stuffed animal that she had been searching for for Christmas. And that was the same Christmas that she basically spat on my face, and put so little effort it felt like a direct jab at asking how much I would tolerate. And I know that stuff like giving presents and things like that are stressful, and if you wanna be an adult about it you can speak about those feelings sooner. But instead she just did not put any effort. And that is not what I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and I know that karma exists, and if I do the right things and work on myself and build this life that is beautiful and something that makes me so thankful to be alive for, I will have been so grateful that I got the experience to do it.

Here is gonna be another weird post in a long line of weird posts, I’m also using voice to text like I have been recently so future me if you’re reading this and there are typos good luck. I actually kind of think it’s a little bit funny if I purposely don’t correct them and I don’t even read over it so enjoy that bit future me. Today was the eighth day after the breakup and it was really hard again. I recognized that even if I’m aware of it I keep falling back into this trap of over intellectualizing, because it’s otherwise terrifying to just feel this horror and this tightness and this pain in my chest and my stomach and nausea and the crippling pain that it gives me, and not really do anything about it. It almost feels like depression in a way where there has to be some kind of action to stop the feeling otherwise it will be inevitable, but grief is fundamentally different than that. Sometimes you just have to drain these feelings slowly, and you can either suppress it as much as you can and let it leak out over years, or you can also let yourself face the emotions at a pace that you can. And so another kind of important thing I wanna let you know about and I know that you know this because you are future me, but I just wanna remind you Dash crying helps a lot. Get yourself to that point where you can, and then just break down crying. I promise you you will feel better afterwards.

I wonder if that line worked for me. I watched a couple school of life videos on love, and I think I’m drilling this idea in different ways into my head and I’m very grateful for that. I think I need to learn to be much more picky with love, in the sense that I should not accept things that are not reciprocal. I’ve often told myself that I am an exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. I’ve often told myself that I am a exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. But I’ve often told myself that I’ve had a very rough childhood emotionally, which has been something that’s a sink or swim experience and has very much given me a lot of benefits in the sense of emotional insight and maturity and so forth. I’ve told myself also that these are things that I often don’t see too much in people around my age, and so I cannot really expect in a relationship. But at the same time, I exist I am fundamentally not special, meaning I am not unique in this. And that means that there will be other people out there that can match me in these ways. There will be some wonderful girl out there that has a great sense of humor, has this emotional intelligence and the ability to introspect and talk about these things even when they don’t apply to her the same way that I do with myself. There will be someone that will be incredibly kind to me, and that will treat me the way that I treat them. There will be someone where I won’t have to worry about teaching them certain things or fixing their problems for them. I really need to remind myself that I have this pattern from childhood of feeling like I need to fix a relationship and make it work, because they’ve given me love and that is my only avenue for it. I have this feeling because I grew up and you don’t get to choose your parents, you just had to deal with Mama and you had to do whatever you could to keep the peace and try to receive love if you dare to try. But the big difference is I am an adult now and I’m not a child. I’m not forced to work it out with some partner because they are there the same way my mom was. I have the freedom to get up and leave. And I think that’s fundamentally so incredibly important. And I think this is kind of why the advice of being comfortable with the thought of not being in a relationship even indefinitely is important. If I truly can be happy and content in my life without the idea of a relationship, then I do not feel like I am forced to put up or accept whatever offer is currently in my hands. Because I don’t have any sort of guarantees on things like relationships or stuff like that the fear of ending up alone is terrifying, but that is precisely what keeps me from finding someone who would be incredible for me. And remember that the love you accept is the love you think you deserve. I stayed with E for so long because I thought that was the love that I deserved, and I have been starved for it my whole life. But I know that I deserve more than that, and I understand that you cannot choose the circumstances of your birth you cannot choose the love that you’re given as a childhood or the childhood that you’re given overall. But what you can do is you can choose the people that you give your love to and that you hold close to your heart. Do not rush into love, and do not seek it so desperately. Because then you will have the ability to really choose correct correctly. Remember that this is the most important interview of your life, and it only needs to work once. You are feeling a seat not an entire bus. I love you so much and I hope that you love yourself even more than I do right now.

I again fell into the cycle again. I started to hurt pretty badly and I went on a walk and I talked with an LLM to try to process things a little bit more. But again with some help I realized that I’m continuing to fall into the cycle of intellectualizing things to give myself some kind of control and to give myself a way out of feeling what I’m feeling. But at the end of the day I just need to accept grief in some ways.

One thing I realized was that I kind of didn’t really know her. I also think she didn’t really know her. She has gone through a lot of relationships and had told me several times in the past how she didn’t like how a lot of the parts of her personality or interests were adapted from past partners. And I kind of realized also how I imparted some of those things in her. I know that we are somewhat a mosaic of all the people we’ve met through our lives, but I think there’s more of a mosaic of others than herself. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that growing up she didn’t have much independence, and her parents controlled a lot of stuff for her and she didn’t have much of a say. I think she’s very impressionable in a lot of different ways, and I think that something she’s kind of learned how her own individuality isn’t necessarily a priority but rather appeasement and following instructions, even if they weren’t given.

But again that’s me intellectualizing things, and of course I want to caveat that I don’t know if I’m right and I never will. But it does hurt to think about the fact that I felt in love with someone that might never exist again. If I was to interact with her now, I don’t think she would be the person that she was while she was with me. I don’t know if I would recognize her. And I guess I don’t really know if I even fell in love with another person in that sense, because what is there that existed before me? She wouldn’t want to share her music or her interests even when I would ask, and I realize she really did behave like a blank slate without me asking her to. I remember because I would mention how crazy it was that all of these different things she is a fan of or on board with, and I guess I considered that as compatibility. But I don’t think that’s compatibility, it’s more things like shared values and those aren’t necessarily things she would copy as easily. I got some good advice from my friend that essentially all I can do is really just move on. But it does feel like in a way I was tricked, through no bad intention of her, I never got to know her. And I also don’t think that she’s really gotten to know herself, and it’s a really strange thing. It’s kind of scary how we repeat a lot of the patterns from our childhoods.

Another thing I realized is how I don’t even know if she loved me, or if I just conflated it as love. I know that growing up I didn’t really receive much love at all, and it’s something where little scraps or shreds feel so incredibly heavy to me. And I think that the cycle of her doing something hurtful or damaging, me doing the same thing I didn’t childhood of trying to fix the situation by taking accountability and blame, and then her apologizing in response to that and promising that she would change for the better for my sake. And in those moments I would feel really loved, but I don’t think that’s love and I don’t think that’s safety either. I think because I grew up neglected I don’t really have a great perception on what love actually is, but when I think about it and I think about caring a lot about your partners well-being, wanting the best for them and so forth I don’t think her actions lineup with that at all. I understand that at certain moments she would be very sweet, but I also understand that it’s a lot of the moments she would be very harmful to me. And I think we both spent a lot of time together where we were able to use chemicals released by our brains as patchwork for the problems that existed, and I think I need to reconcile both of the versions of her in my head. I think she did love me in ways, but I also don’t think that it was a true form of love. I think there were too many moments where she did stuff that would hurt me and more importantly she wouldn’t apologize or she wouldn’t try to take accountability or heal the damage it was more trying to avoid accountability and shame from that. I think we both chased the feeling that we got when we were together, and the potential of not having to search any more in the future and finally finding the person you actually are meant to be with. But I don’t think we were each other‘s person for that. We have a lot of fundamental differences, and incompatibilities. There’s a lot of a gap between us that cannot really be fixed, and it’s not necessarily a problem but it was a problem to her. I think also for me, there are a lot of things that I wouldn’t want from her in the partner I would dream of. I wouldn’t want someone who could so casually hurt me or disregard my boundaries, and also not recognize or proactively apologize for things without me having to beg or ask constantly. I would also want someone whose more fleshed out as an individual, and that can enrich my life rather than me just teaching things. We accept the love that we think we deserve. I think that’s something I need to understand, that I don’t currently believe that I am that deserving of love, otherwise I would not have stayed in that relationship and dove in so aggressively. I think I truly do need to be content being single again, and I think I was before, but after moving and losing a lot of stability and social connections that’s something I need to foster. It might not be immediate, and it might not be easy or guaranteed, but I do believe that I can build a life with a rich social network. And I believe so because I know that given nothing as a starting point I have been able to teach myself and learn and fight for so many beautiful things in this world. I am beyond capable and if I put my mind to things I know that I can do them. And so I will. There is the life that I’ve always wanted to live, and I will make it mine.

Today I went to the gym and worked from home, and not really any friends were online today. And so I felt lonely. Completely honest, I haven’t felt that way in a long long time. I’m so used to having E there, and I would virtually never have to actually deal with loneliness. I forgot how miserable of a feeling it is. I know that this is just a one day thing, but that feeling of isolation is miserable. I really wanted to almost reach out to her again, partially because some of me feels like she’s also lonely. But that’s probably not the case, and regardless it doesn’t help me at all to think about that. I think I ultimately just need to recognize this feeling, and then let it pass. I do remember however how enticing it is to have a partner that you codependent with. Never having to worry about loneliness is a nice thought. Never having to be alone again. Except that’s not how it works, and it’s almost like saying how alcohol is nice because you never have to feel bad again. I will just make more friends, and it will be OK. And regardless it’s just one day. There are so many other things that I want to do like playing songs on the guitar, creative projects, etc. Oh yeah and reading, I really wanna try reading during the day at some point.

I think I’m moving on. Well I guess that’s stupid because obviously I am, But it’s weird. I think today I was kind of like upset at her and angry. Like obviously not actually her but, the idea of her. I kind of hope I don’t ever see her again, just because it would make moving on way easier. Not cause I’m mad at her. But I guess I just feel like she’s someone that just didn’t ultimately treat me well, not because she meant to hurt me. But just because I deliberately chose her. I think I really just got swept up by the attention and codependency. I saw someone saying that you should do things for them because you love them, not do things for them so that they love you. And I don’t think I did things for her to try to make her love me, but at the same time I think I realize how fundamentally fragile the love felt. I think I felt like I had to constantly be there, or like massage her thoughts through reassurance, acts of kindness, or things like that. If we didn’t have time together, I would probably think that something was wrong and that I would start to worry about the relationships health. And that’s not right. Our relationship should be strong and healthy regardless of some distance once in a while. I think I’m also noticing how I wanted to use L as a substitute for that codependency, and I also notice how part of me wanted to cut ties to avoid being hurt again and set that boundary. It’s really easy to get swept up by someone else like that. I don’t think I should ghost or anything like that, but maybe I should be way more aware of that.

I went to a golf range today for the first time! It turns out there’s one really close to my new house, and I went with a mixture of old friends and new friends. Yesterday night I also went out clubbing, and while it wasn’t exactly the greatest experience I still went which is really nice. Today I just got home and it’s about 2 AM, because we stayed up playing board games together and it was really fun. I’ve never even been a board game person until recently and honestly I really fucking enjoy it.

I wanted to start off this post by saying at least something not about the breakup, even though it kind of is in a way. I did have a couple different moments where I essentially just broke down into tears. But also I think for the first day I woke up and my first thought was not of her. I spent a lot of time thinking about how it felt like there was two versions of her in my head. One of them was the one that was not exactly the ideal partner for me, and someone that also crossed a lot of boundaries and did a lot of hurt. That’s the version of her that I recognize is not a good relationship for me. I’m very thankful to that person for both letting me make my mistakes, showing me my struggles, and then also ultimately making the decision for me which made sure I didn’t continue to drag on the situation longer than it should have been. But there’s also the other version of her which is the one that I felt safe with, the one that I remember in my arms, and the one that I remember all of these beautiful cherished memories with. And the difficult part is reconciling with the fact that both of those people are the same. It’s weird because it feels like I can’t hold both of those truths at the same time, I can either mourn the fact that I’ve lost this innocent pure person who made me feel so incredibly safe, or I can mourn all of the bad things that happened and the incredibly difficult and painful portions of the entire process. But I can’t seem to recognize both of those at the same time in the same person. I talked with N for a while today because I think he’s a very smart person, and he gave me some interesting thoughts on it. One thing is how I can rationalize negative behavior away, but I cannot do that same thing to positive memories. There’s no justification or understanding I need to recognize how much I appreciated and really savored certain moments. I don’t need to be convinced to accept or even want those moments, because I already do inherently. And so I think the problem becomes I can intellectualize away my grief in a way, but I also cannot help but face my grief without being able to intellectualize it. And I guess what I kind of realized while driving home is that the key element I’m missing is just time. I think that’s the short answer, and the longer answer is understanding and embracing the fact that as time goes on I will recognize that my life does not necessarily get worse. There will be a lot of things that I will miss of course, but there will be a lot of things that I also do not miss. Life has a way to fill in these vacuums, and if I allow it to, it really does become something beautiful. Sometimes I just have to remind myself how it really can just be that simple. A beautiful thing about free will is the ability to just try different things with relatively no consequences. There’s no real consequence in any meaningful way to going to a new social situation, or to try to socialize in a group where I felt irrationally unsafe in. For example, I’m kind of afraid of men, and that does put me off of socialization in a couple different avenues. But today I went. And I had a great time. And maybe there’s a couple other hobbies that I’m afraid of or that I try and haven’t been crazily successful, but I can always go back and I can always do them again and I think I will be surprised with the success that I see. I think a lot about that one, of how there is a life that I’ve always wanted, and I will make it mine.

I was going back home from a night out with some friends, and I drove past some of the places we used to go to. I know that the relationship was unhealthy and codependent, and it was really intense like a drug. But at the same time I wonder if I can grieve losing that drug. Like the thought of cuddling her, or watching TV while she lays on my chest and gently falls asleep. Her falling asleep on the car trip back.

I learned that I'm supposed to move on. And I learned a couple different ways of doing that, one of the ways was to act like they had died and grieve that. But I guess it's pretty hard because I know she's not dead. Open watching a good amount of videos on a different set of topics, things from her perspective, things from my perspective, things from relationship in the future stuff like that. I also learned that I over intellectualized the break up, and because of that I was able to shield myself from grief. And so I'm back to letting myself feel that grief.

I was watching a video on YouTube an old lady reading something called. Let them, just let them. And I think it's a pretty simple concept that I think would benefit me a lot to really internalize. I spent a lot of time in the relationship and I put up with a lot of stuff because I really wanted things to work, for the sake of things working. I think I also took on the role of a caretaker a lot, and I tried to fix her. I think I took a lot of responsibility and I told myself that I had a lot of agency on the things that she was kind of deficient in, and instead of trying to move on, I instead almost made her a pet project in a way of trying to make her want to change and become the person that I hoped I could spend a future with. But you cannot make a horse drink water. All you can do is lead it to it. I think there's a certain kind of grief in accepting the fact that I cannot save her, and additionally accepting the fact that if she chooses to get better, maybe I can take some amount of credit for being part of that catalyst, but at the same time it's not because of me.

It was a really weird thing, when I was using ChatGPT as a sounding board, one of the questions it asked me was how would I feel if in two years she got better emotionally. Like she had healed and fixed a lot of the issues that caused our relationship to fail. And weirdly I didn't feel good about it and I don't really know why if I'm being honest. I think the low hanging fruit I would guess is that I would be upset that I didn't get to experience that version of her. And I guess another part of me would feel like I tried really hard to give her that grace and give her the tools to fix her issues, but she just didn't. And then in this hypothetical, she then did. It's a weird thing because I've said a lot that I want the best for her and I want her life to go well, but when I think about her in a relationship with another person, especially if it's recent, it hurts. I think that's also just a very natural thing of course but it still hurts. I think I want to know that I was special to her, and I guess part of me is still hanging onto those words that she would always tell me of how I was the one and how she doesn't know how she could live without me. But I guess that's the caretaker. I think I also thought a lot about the fact that part of the reason why I felt like she loved me a lot was because I took care of her in those ways. I would give her a lot of grace, I would tolerate a lot of things, I would regulate her emotions, I would try to fix her where I could. And I remember that in the most recent fuck up, I had a really weird thought that I didn’t like it. My brain told me at some point that she was going to make up for this so much, and I would essentially receive so much love and affection from that. Almost like my needs, and even just my wants would be met, because she almost owed me in a way. And that thought disgusted me immediately even in the moment. That's not at all what love should be like and I really don't think that's how I viewed things either. I really hope not.

I started to cry when I was driving home from hanging out with a friend, and I kind of triggered it on my own. I put my hand off to the side like I would when we were driving, and I would hold her thighs. And then I would put my hand where I would've held her hand on the center console. I told myself that I lost my passenger princess. And that was enough to make me start crying again. I went to the food place that we went to together a lot when I first moved here. I thought about how we parked in almost the same spot and she would get into my car and we would eat our food while watching a YouTube video together. But it's almost like I've ran out of tears. I heaved and I cried, but not many tears came out.

I cried a lot yesterday when I put some of the last keepsakes into the trash bag that I have now stored into the shed. I also put lemon, which was the stuffed animal that she bought to cuddle at my place. And it felt kind of fucked because lemon kind of became my stuffed animal in a way. I've never really been super attached to a stuffed animal, but part of me feels really guilty for keeping it in that shed, especially when I've cuddled it so many nights. Maybe the kindest thing that I could do is rehome lemon. Part of me wants to of course keep lemon, and it's weird because it doesn't even feel like it's super strongly tied to her, like lemon is its own thing in my mind. But then I also think about all of the photos and all of the times that she cuddled lemon. All the times that I would see her sleeping so peacefully cuddling it. You know it would make me sad sometimes because she would cuddle lemon and Hash would be trying to snuggle up with her on the side. And I would always wonder how she could choose stuffed animal over Hash. Sometimes she did cuddle Hash though and it made me really happy to see that. And just like that, I've started to cry again. I feel a lot of obligation towards my dog, Hash. And I really want to make sure that any partner I have in the future is loved by him, and absolutely loves him back. Honestly, a part of me feels like another reason why I'm glad I made this decision was because when she was breaking up with me and going through my house with her roommates, she said bye-bye Hash in a very light tone, like she had emotionally distanced herself from him. And I just don't understand how you could love a dog and dismiss them so easily. Her roommates even were making jokes about stealing him. And how their cat would beat him in a fight. I don't care how much she was mad at me, or how much she needed the relationship to end. She should never have even considered any kind of malintent towards him. That's my baby. And at the end of the day, I really do mean that way more than whenever I would say that towards her. Hash should never have been disregarded or caught by the conflict we had. And I think that's enough of a reason for me to understand that maybe she wasn't the one for me. And it hurts a lot because I think Hash is like me in a lot of ways. I went through camera roll and I found photos of her with Hash sleeping under her lap while she was doing homework. And there's so many photos of them together. And Hash really loved her so much, just like I did. But I think sometimes there were just periods where, for whatever reason she wouldn't be well, and she would hurt us. I think at the end of the day, I really do deserve someone who wouldn't do that to me. I deserve to be loved, in a gentle way. In a way where I don't need to take care of someone else and keep them emotionally grounded. In a way that I don't need to convince them or explain to them how they've hurt me, but rather it comes from a place of compassion and curiosity. And I'm not saying that E didn't love me at all. But I don't think she loved me in the healthiest of ways, and I also agree that I don't think I loved her in those same ways. I also don't know if I believe if love conquers all. Because I think if she truly loved me, she would've helped herself. She would've done the work to overcome the problems that she had, at the same time, maybe those problems were just more than her love could handle. And so she did love me, but I think she was struggling a lot. And maybe the kindest thing she could've done in that situation was to let me go. And the problem is I didn't want to let go. And so I think the even kinder thing she did for me was to take it so far that I would have no choice. And maybe that was what I needed. I really poke in my future relationships. I'm able to set boundaries and I'm able to take time and make sure that the person I choose to be with next is someone who is good for me.

Hey future me, This is two days after the break up Anshuman. Let me get this out of the way first. This is going to come In waves and that was just how life works. But overall it will get better. She is a different person and a fully formed individual, the same way that you are. And what that means is there are ways that our own internal issues will come out and hurt, not just ourselves but often people around us. But the good news is there are so many lessons to be learned from something like this.

One thing I realized was I worried about how I’ve only had three relationships and all of them have felt unhealthy. I know that it’s something where if someone says that all of their exes have been crazy then there is one common factor, and I guess that that’s what my fear is, if I am the common factor. And ultimately if I am the one that is the problem. But I think I’ve realized that the problem that I have is selecting people, and more specifically moving too fast and not filtering people out. I think because of the feeling that I am behind in life socially, and the difficulties with dating, I move too fast and before I even get to read a person I sink my teeth in and hold on, and then the loyalty to a fault becomes a problem. I will continue to hold myself into a relationship that should not have happened in the first place, and I am swept up by fantasy and hope for how things could go. But in reality that is not the case. What is correct is to take more time and get to know someone a little bit better before you decide that this is someone you want to commit in a relationship with. Something I have had to learn in this instance is how easy it is to get swept up with feelings of love and intimacy, and how really intense good feelings can mask our judgment. There was a really good TED talk on how to avoid situations like that, and the solution was to listen to your friends and family on their reads of the person. Assuming that your friends are good judges of character, they can give a much clearer perspective on potential partners, because they are not blinded by love were the same chemicals that you face. You deserve to have our relationship that is good and healthy and desirable not just when the chemicals are flooding through your brain, no matter how good that feels.

Ultimately if you are content being single, and if you are in no rush to get into a relationship, then you are able to selectively choose rather than feeling pressured to take whatever is available. If you were selling a luxury car that was super valuable, and the only people that are willing to buy it would only pay a fraction of the price, does that mean that you should sell it? Or should you wait until an appropriate buyer comes along. You are an incredible person in a lot of different ways, and you are absolutely a wonderful partner for the kind of people that you are looking for. You are kind, you are successful, you are attractive, you are intelligent, you are funny, you are considerate, you are compassionate, and the list goes on. Have a little bit of faith that things will work out. Look at how incredibly strong you have been, and how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. This is only my third break up, and even with it being so incredibly traumatic I am doing the right things. I am not trying away from uncomfortable but necessary discomfort, I am pushing myself to interact with friends and stay engaged, and I am really proud to say that I can come out of this relationship with my head held high. I set a boundary and I respected that, and even though there were plenty of things done to me that are unfair and shitty, I did not retaliate, I was not petty, I did not do anything to try to hurt or upset her or anyone involved. I am so fucking proud of you for the person that you’ve become. Sooner than you could imagine you will feel so much better. Don’t throw away the good memories, and also don’t throw away the bad memories. Understand and acknowledge your own feelings and recognize what things you’ve learned about what you want in a partner and what things you’ve learned you don’t want. There is a pain that comes to growing and you are going to pay that pain no matter what if you want that growth, and this growth is absolutely necessary. But you can handle it. You are the most incredible person I know. I love you.

It's been one day since we broke up. I've had an incredibly crushing pain in my chest pretty much since then and I've spent most of today trying not to cry, or going to my car, or walking and breaking down crying. It hurts really fucking bad even though I know that it's honestly for the best. I cry as much as I can and then I start to feel a little bit better for a little bit until I see something or I hear something that reminds me of her and it hurts all over again. I walked really far from my work in the middle of kind of nowhere and I looked down and I see UCSD health, and it reminds me of her. I remember on one of her dates she started to have a floater in her vision, and for her that’s potentially a sign of her retina detaching and so we left the bookstore and I took her straight to the specialist. I then sat with her for four hours, and I relayed all the information to her mom while trying to keep her anxiety down. Her genetic condition makes her life really fucking difficult. And I remember that I didn’t think about how she went blind how she might not be able to do any of the things she likes to do, or the things we do together, for the things she needs to do for money, but rather I thought about how I could maybe bring back some of the hobbies she has to her. Or how we could find new things together. I thought it would be a really sweet present as a surprise if I got myself tested for the gene that she has so that I can show her that we can have kids without the risk. I thought it was such a pure form of love.

I feel like my chest is crushed, and I can’t think. The grief is so fucking big. I think about the pictures of her, and almost all of my favorites are of her. There were a lot of really nice things. And there were also a lot of really bad things. And I wish it could’ve worked out, but what I mean by that is I wish that there bad things weren’t there. But you cannot pick and choose parts of a person.

I believe that in the future I will have a partner that is emotionally mature and listens to me and makes me feel safe. In the future I will not have to feel like I have to fully explained and archive my emotions as much, because hopefully they will have the knowledge and empathy required to understand a bit more. I think I’ll have a partner who will genuinely make me laugh in clever and smart ways that I get to steal. I’ll have someone who will teach me things also, and that will have meaningful and insightful conversations with me. I won’t feel like I’m being patronizing, and I won’t have to worry about stepping on any insecurities or ego. I will have a partner who values my feelings and interests as much as their own, if not more. I will have someone who is very thoughtful and take the time to truly understand me. I’ll have someone who is considerate to me and kind in minor ways, without asking for recognition. I will have a relationship where conflict could be resolved through effective conversation, both with understanding their own thoughts, but also compassion behind them. I will not feel like I am having a one-sided argument, and I will not feel like I have to regulate someone’s emotions for them.

It’s such a weird thing to have this grief. I both recognize that the relationship was not one that should’ve continued, and it is absolutely a good thing that it ended. I know that no matter what it is going to be incredibly painful to end, even if that is the right decision. But that exists in a part of my mind, that remains un mixed like oil and water. And next to it are all of the beautiful memories. All of the sweet and kind things that she did. And how loved I felt. How much I felt like she tried, and how many times I felt hope.

I think during the relationship I got swept up in a lot of the fantasy of what the future could look like. And I think that’s part of what I’m mourning so much. I don’t know what to do with all of these sweet memories and little things that I didn’t even know I remembered until now. And it’s just a wave after a wave that hits me. It sucks because the highs were so high. She really was a drug to me.

I have a feeling that time will heal this, but it’s terrified because time happens so slowly. And I just wanna know what I can do to stop this feeling because it kills me so much. I feel so horribly sick to my stomach. There were a lot of things that I didn’t like about her, not in the sense that like they were big issues at all but just things that I wasn’t crazy about.

I started writing more things on the list of things I didn’t like, and also fundamental reasons why the relationship would not work out. I feel cruel doing it from being honest, but I need some sort of a way to leave this nostalgia behind. I can always return to the place of the nostalgia, but there will be nothing left. There will not be the illusion that things could just be getting better and this was just a perfect storm, or that this would be the last time these issues happen and then we would be good. Issues just kept happening, and perfect storms just kept happening. At some point there is too much coincidence and I have to acknowledge the fact that past behavior is the best indication of future behavior.

I am absolutely a good partner, and a catch. I don’t think I’m perfect, and I don’t think that I wouldn’t hurt a partner accidentally, but I think that I have shown a consistent commitment to listening and understanding my partner, and I have the tools and the drive to change. I also believe that I am attractive, I am kind, I am genuine, I am funny, I am successful, I am generous, I am very loving, and I think that I am happy with the person that I am. And that person includes the fact that I want to consistently continue to improve as a person, and this relationship has shown me several ways where that is important.

I think a big thing I learned was how easy it is for me to fall into codependency. I absolutely struggled with loneliness when I moved here. And in a way I am grateful for the pain that comes from this entire situation because that both taught me how important it is, while also reminding myself that I absolutely have the tools to find and foster connection. I’m thankful that I have friends around me, and I’m thankful that I know that I will survive this. It’s absolutely going to hurt, but this isn’t just the price of good things. This is serving as a reminder and an incentive for my mind to recognize the hard choices that I needed to make along the way, and the things that I need to look at in myself. Every day will be easier than the last. At least in the amortized sense. I won’t have to worry about fixing the current issue, if me talking with someone else or spending time with someone else leads to their stabilization, if that destabilization leads to her interacting with bad groups of people online, like e daters, or feeling the anxiety and fear of not knowing what she is hiding from me. My sister said something very hopeful, there are actually a lot of good families out there. There will be plenty of kind families that will welcome me with kindness and the same sense of inclusion that E’s family did. There was nothing in E that is unique and unobtainable again. I may not find all of the same things in a partner, but my wants will change too.

If nothing else I’ve learned how easy it is for me to love. I don’t need someone to be my everything, I don’t need them to like all of my hobbies, and share all the same interests. I’m grateful for that experience since it let me learn firsthand both the good and bad things with that. I have faith it will be ok in the end.